I'm back after an entirely too long break...with a review for Assassins Creed II

Alright, so I've been gone from this thing for too long, there is no excuse. Mostly because sometimes, life has liked to play a little game called "Up yours, Clev!" and it has been playing it quite well the past few months. But that is no reason to deprive you few great followers of some sweet reviews of some of the great games that have come out in the past few months. After an awesome video game season, where we are often hit with a barrage, an onslaught if you will, of mind-blowing video games, has came and went, and surprisingly the fallout (oh man, speakin of sweet games from last years onslaught of awesome games!) wasn't too extreme this year, I only ended up buying eight games since september, whereas last year it was around 15 (I'm not kidding). But enough of my pointless chatter, you people that read this come to hear about the sweet games after all, and Assassins Creed II is where I figured I'd start.

Just cuz I've been a way a while doesn't mean that I'm gonna start doing things differently, so we'll start with the graphics. Why? Cuz this is one of the best looking games ever. It's beautiful, its photogenic, sometimes when you climb up to the top of a really high building the surrounding area looks damn near real. However, it isn't perfect. I play everything on PS3 which shouldn't be a secret anymore, and on my version, theres a whole BUNCH of screen tearing. Now to those not in the know, screen tearing is this crappy little thing that happens when you move sometimes in a game, where this big ugly line travels from the top to the bottom of your screen, I guess to like, refresh the screen or something? I don't know the TECHNICAL reason for it, I just know that it sucks. Like a lot. And Assassins Creed 2 has it in SPADES. DROVES even I say, DROVES! I can promise you that even if you are in awe of the graphics (as you sometimes will be) you will at LEAST be annoyed once or twice throughout your playthrough by the absolutely obscene amount of screen tearing. I know we have a beautiful game here and there should be some sacrifices, but CMON UBISOFT (dudes who made it), its 2009, we deserve better than this. But ok enough of a rant about that, games still damn pretty, and the cities you are in this time make the ones from the first one look like sad little podunk villages with barely any inhabitants. The cities, particuarly Venice, which you get to later on, almost seem alive. Quite a bit more alive than, say, the people in your Grand Theft Autos or other sandbox games. The simple reason for this is that Assassins Creed II isn't a total sandbox game, which in my opinion, is a good thing. Yeah you've got some optional junk to do, and you might do some of it, but mostly its all about the quest, and the story. So ok, graphics pretty, me like, on to what is the best part of the game, and that be the story.

So your main guy this time is this (admitedly kinda cheesy looking) dude, Ezio De Auditore. Wow try saying that three times fast. Anyways, hes (surprise!) an Italian, which I'm sure you couldn't have guessed from his name, and naturally, hes got a score to settle. Some revengin' to do, if you will. You play through a (maybe a smidge too long) intro where his family, who is pretty tight with the Medicis (that was the fancy family from the 1400s who actually had a couple of popes take up the staff way back in the day...part of this game is actually based in real history, which is neat), gets hung right before his eyes. Dad, two brothers (even the sickly little one, you freakin jerks! I mean couldn't you have just let the ravages of plague, or consumption, or whatever was taking out people left and right back then before our days of modern science, do their number on him? Nope had to hang his little ass!), all taken out. So he has to secret away his mom and (pretty hot) sister away and what follows is a pretty cool, very involved story about how he becomes an assassin and gets to becoming a revenger of vengeance. Some naysayers about video games, like say, oh, Roger Ebert (has anyone figured it out that he is my nemesis when it comes to talking about how video games are actually art? THEY ARE ROG, THEY ARE I SAY!) would say this is a common trick of video games - make it all about revenge, and you got yourself a game right there, baby! Well see, for me, revenge tales are alright. Because if hollywood has taught us anything in its many decades of making movies, its that revenge is awesome. Assassins Creed II excels in its story though. Assassins Creed one had a pretty well-penned yarn as well, but this one really ups the ante, which is of course what any good sequel should do. I won't spoil too much about what all happens to our (kinda guido-ish) Ezio, but needless to say he becomes a man and actually makes a pretty kickass assassin by the end. I'm going to spoil one thing for you however, because it needs to be told, because if it were me reading this review and I was on the fence about buying this game, after I read this sentence, I would immediately set down my laptop and rush out the door to buy it, so here it is: in this game, this little game here, you get in a fistfight...with the POPE. YOU HAVE A THROWDOWN WITH THE POPE HIMSELF. This is AFTER you tell the guy, the POPE to "Go F*** himself". True story. I am not making this up. You fight the pope, freakin' 30s style boxing style, put up your dukes, mano e mano, straight up fisticuffs. WITH THE POPE. If this can't sell a game, then I don't know what can.

Ok, so with that being said, and with this little image of this guy suffering a bit with a knife in his freakin' NECK, I don't think I need to establish the fact that this game be not for kids. Any parents read this, if your kid is under 13 or so, this is not the game for them. Go buy them Muramasa, or Beatles Rock Band, or another game I'm gonna talk about here soon, Tekken 6. If there was a rated R game, this would be it. Its violent, you jam your fancy assassins blades in some peoples EYES in some parts, you sweep people legs and then stick your sword in their freakin' chest, this game does NOT mess around with the violence. Which is awfully swell of course. Theres even a mild sex scene towards the beginning (no nudity though, pervs. Thats reserved for that game The Saboteur that came out about a week ago). If anything this game just shows that games have come a very long way from the days of a goofy looking plumber who smashes blocks with his head. Theres nothing wrong with that, as long as parents know to keep the kiddies away from stuff like this, since violence is maybe a leeetle too much part of the mainstream anymore. Wait I'm getting off on a Clev rant aren't I?

Ok so what else do we need to talk about here, graphics good, story good! next is the gameplay. It's pretty top notch, hopping around on buildings and landing on jerks or shoving people out of your way feels natural. The problem lies in the combat. Why? Cuz its essentially just you mashing one button, hoping like hell one of the eight dudes thats surrounding you won't block it so you can get on to the next sweet story segment. In short, needs some work. It gets a little old towards the end of the game, and by the way this game is NOT short by any means, you are looking at upwards of at least 25 hours, probably close to 30 your first playthrough. Thats good in this day and age of short games, right? Well, yes and no. You'll probably get tired of the one trick pony combat at about hour 15, and granted they do some stuff to spice it up because they knew it got old in Assassins Creed 1, but it isn't spicy enough. It'd be like taco bell hot sauce I suppose. A little bit of a kick, but overall, you'd do better with Franks. Does that analogy work? Ah well its late as I write this. The point is, combat not so good. The good news is, unlike 1, at the very end of the game this doesn't turn into a button mashing fest. It rambles on with a good story all the way through and some of the later assassinations are very cool. Flying across the city of Venice on Da Vinci's experimental flying machine to swoop in and waste some jerk? Yep, you can do that. Masquerading as someone else during Carnivale and participating in other fun little games to get yourself a golden ticket to make into a fancy ball so you can waste some jerk there too? Also happens later in the game. It's good stuff. The best part of the game comes in the Assassins Tomb segments, which is what that picture above shows. It's great stuff that essentially turns the game into a Prince of Persia clone, except a lot prettier. These segments are really well done and frankly I was kinda sad there were only six of them. But you will have a grand ol time completing these segments, and actually, you don't even need to if you don't want to, its optional, like a lot of the stuff in this game. If you did everything it had to offer I'd even say it'd be over 40 hours of gameplay here. And what that means is, $60 well spent.

So I think that about wraps her up, we've mentioned shes got her problems, but overall, damn good game for the year. I'd put it at about sixth or seventh best game to come out this year, which I'll have a top ten at years end and explain why they made it there, just don't be surprised if BlazBlue is still tops, since thats the reason I started this bad devil up in the first place. So on to the scores to this not quite perfect but still very cool (and pretty) game.

Graphics - 8/10. That screen tearing is a bitch, a mofo if you will. It will piss you off and annoy you more than once if you play all the way through this one, and you should, cuz you get to fistfight the Pope. Did I mention that? I may have. But it still has some very pretty locales, and I'd even go so far as to say that some parts of the game are jaw dropping. I'll put it this way - dude came over my house and was just gonna leave, ended up staying an extra 15 minutes just to see this game in action. It's a beautiful, photogenic game.

Sound - 9/10. Very atmospheric. Good voiceovers for the most part, except I'll give you one warning - TURN THE SUBTITLES ON. Penny arcade had a good comic about it actually, because it used a little TOO much Italian, almost like the creators were saying "lookie we know a different language, pat us on the back!": http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2009/11/23/ but anyways, the sound is good when it kicks in, some good symphonic stuff and good sound effects and voice. Just as nice as the graphics - and no uh...sound tearing!

Challenge - 7/10. It isn't that hard. Every once in a while you'll get surrounded by a bunch of jerks and get annoyed at the button mashing, but you aren't going to have a rough time with much of anything. The challenge is actually more one of patience sometimes, because the game DOES drag on a little bit until some of the later assassination missions. But stick with it, the game won't disappoint you by the end. You know, like when you fistfight the Pope, and tell him to go f*** himself.

Fun - 8/10. Like I said, you might get annoyed sometimes. But the story missions are varied and interesting enough, and the interesting story will keep you playing for the 25-30 hour mission.

Overall - 8/10. Not the best game in the world, but you could do much worse this awesome video game season (like say, something for the wii, that isn't New Super Mario Bros.). If you want yourself an epic tale on par with some of the good hollywood blockbusters, pick this one up. The ending is maybe a little bit of a mind...screw, but you won't mind much, its pretty satisfying all the way through.